What To Do When You Are Abducted By Aliens
Thelma: Hi there, Earthlings! I’m Thelma.
Carl: And I’m Carl.
Larry: And I’m Larry. At least, those are the Earth-equivalents of our Nerzbedoink names (Nerzbedoink is also an Earth-equivalent name).
Thelma: We abduct Earthlings. It’s what we do.
Carl: And we’re here to give you some tips, in case you’re one of the ones we grab.
Larry: One of the lucky ones.
Carl: I wouldn’t say, “lucky.” Remember that old guy at the Grand Canyon?
Larry: That wasn’t my fault. He pushed me first.
Thelma: Shut up, you two. Now then. There may come a time when you’re out camping, or driving down a deserted road, and you see a bright light and an unusually-shaped aircraft hovering near you. The aircraft will look nothing like anything you’ve seen before—
Carl: You Earthlings really haven’t mastered flight yet.
Larry: I mean, seriously. Your aircraft still use wings. Wings!
Thelma: Please, let me finish. You will feel a strong pull from the light, gently lifting you in the air.
Carl: That’s another thing you Earthlings haven’t mastered – tractor beams!
Larry: I couldn’t live without my tractor beam. Best invention since sliced shmix. Imagine having to get up off the couch to grab a can of soda from the fridge! No, just no–
Thelma: You could use the exercise, Larry. Now, please. I’m trying to give some tips to the Earthlings. So there you are, floating toward a flying object without wings. I know that must seem terrifying, but we’re here to tell you to relax. In fact, that’s tip number 1: Relax. It’s really not that big a deal. We grab you, transport you to our ship, take a few tissue samples, extract your social media passwords so we can monitor and edit any unfavorable mentions—
Carl: Some people post the most outrageous lies about us.
Larry: I am not afraid of the color yellow. That’s just silly.
Thelma: —But mostly, we’re curious about you Earthlings, and we just want to know some things. Where you live, what your interests are, what sort of athletic activity you engage in—
Larry: —Some of you work out too much.
Carl: Unlike Larry, for whom laziness is an art form.
Larry: —Hey, lazy is good. We like lazy Earthlings. We need to make sure you won’t fight back. See this scar here on my third tentacle?
Carl: They can’t see you, dummy. And don’t encourage them to fight.
Larry: I was going to say, “You should see the guy who gave it to me.”
Carl: He’s got your fifth tentacle mounted on his wall in Tuscon.
Larry: I grew another one— Hey! Ouch! Thelma, that wasn’t nice.
Thelma: Please, I wasn’t finished. We just ask a few survey questions, and send you on your way with a souvenir tooth filling.
Larry: It’s an undetectable (by Earthlings) tracker. Ow! That one really hurt.
Thelma: I want you to stop talking, Larry. Just be quiet for the rest of the interview and let me finish. Tip number 2: Lose the foil helmets. I can’t tell you how many times we come back for a follow-up visit only to find our tagged Earthling wearing one. They’re just annoying, and they’re not doing you any favors, socially.
Larry: The aluminum looks like shmix, a delicious wafer-thin delicacy on Nerzbedoink. But it doesn’t taste anything like shmix, and it hurts our teeth. Besides, we can’t even read minds.
Carl: You don’t have to tell them that.
Larry: Oh, right. The foil doesn’t look anything like shmix.
Carl: I wasn’t talking about the shmix, you idiot. You didn’t have to tell them we can’t read their minds.
Larry: How am I supposed to know what you mean? I’m not a mind-reader.
Thelma: Please shut up. Tip number three: Don’t call the authorities; they’re working with us anyway, so you won’t get any help from them.
Larry: Good one.
Carl: And don’t forget to tell them about the complimentary vaccinations.
Thelma: Oh, right. We want our specimens, er, volunteers, to live long and happy lives so we can continue to study them. So we will completely vaccinate you against Nerzbedoink flu, Gimples, Weeping Sores, and Curiosity.
Carl: Free of charge!
Larry: And the needles are much smaller than they used to be. Only as thick as one of your pencils.
Thelma: This brings me back to Tip Number One: Relax. The shots look scary, but they’re over very quickly.
Larry: Half an hour, max. Hey, Ouch!
Thelma: In conclusion. Relax, no foil hats, and don’t call the authorities. I think we can all get on with our work if you Earthlings follow these simple instructions. Thank you for your attention.
Carl: And bring Twinkies. They are delicious and I love them.
Larry: Me too! And kitty cats. The crunchy kind. I love kitty cats.
Thelma: You mean Kit-Kats.
Larry: Do I?